Our Breastfeeding Journey: My Saving Grace

Before getting pregnant I always knew I would want to breastfeed once I have a baby. And I’ll admit, I was naïve in thinking that it mostly was a choice of wanting to or not wanting to and next a matter of if you can or can’t.

The reality is, I thought this way because there’s a major lack of support and general education surrounding breastfeeding and I feel most women are never introduced to it or given the opportunity to learn better. Which is why many women end up quitting or never trying to begin with.

Let me also say that I am pro feeding your baby any way that works and is best for you and your baby, whether it be breast, bottle, formula, etc. This is just my experience, journey and goals for me and my son.

Rewind to back when I was pregnant… I learned about a breastfeeding course, but it was virtual. (Thanks, COVID). Even though I felt like an online class for something 100% hands-on was a little redundant, I signed up. I had no idea what to expect. It was encouraged that spouses participated as well so my husband, who was at that time quarantined to the downstairs guest bedroom of our house, joined in via his computer as well.

When the course began we were all asked to introduce ourselves and goals with our breastfeeding journey. Like I mentioned, I knew I wanted to breastfeed and I knew the importance and value of my baby getting breastmilk. I said my goal was 1 year as did most of the other soon to be moms.

Throughout the online course we learned the benefits of not only breastmilk but also of the act of breastfeeding, skin to skin, and the bonding, not just for baby but for mom too. We discussed how our partners could help (hence why they were encouraged to join) and even practiced positions to hold the baby, with our favorite stuffed bear, Winnie the Pooh.

After that course I had a whole new passion and excitement for breastfeeding! I couldn’t wait and I read more about it, talked to friends about it, and would gather all the advice and knowledge I could!

Fast forward to our traumatic birth experience; having a preemie baby things go a little differently. Having a C-section makes it even more different. I didn’t get the immediate skin to skin and golden hour like I had so excitedly looked forward to, which would help trigger my production to start and be that first bonding moment with baby. So instead, once I was wheeled back to my room after the operation, I pumped. Thinking I may get a drop or two I was extremely proud and excited when I got 15mL of colostrum. If you’re not sure what that means or what that is, it’s the very first bit of milk a woman’s body produces and it’s often called ‘liquid gold’, and for good reason too! A baby in the first few days can be fully nourished by just a couple drops of colostrum, it also coats the baby’s intestinal tract with proteins to protect from any bacteria that are harmful.

This was clearly my first time pumping and I wasn’t really sure what to expect, nor was I fully clear minded but the nurse was so excited for me it really set the pace for my motivation. Especially since I had to work a little extra hard to get my supply, both physically and mentally.

After that it wasn’t until three hours later that I got even got to meet my baby, and from here on out I will refer to him as Baby S. We of course tried latching on right away. The nurse in the NICU helped and so did the course we took just a couple weeks prior. We latched great and nursed for a little while. I’ll admit, it’s hard to hear other women proudly talk about their first latch, which by all means they should but, because of the meds and just total exhaustion I don’t recall that first experience which breaks my heart to pieces.

Being successful at breastfeeding was my last hope for a positive birth experience, and I was determined.

With each visit to the NICU we would latch and practice. Unfortunately Baby S ended up requiring a feeding tube and formula supplementation for weight gain. So he would get two bottles of his special formula per day and the rest was milk that I pumped for him.

The hospital provided me with a hospital grade pump to use while there…. the “Cadillac of all pumps” as it was referred to. Because of our situation and having a preemie and a NICU stay our insurance covered the same pump for us to have at home as well, which was fantastic because it would be a great asset to our breastfeeding journey and supply.

I stayed in the hospital for the entire time Baby S was in the NICU, two weeks. Once I was moved to the Mother/Baby Unit the lactation team came to see me. I already had the pump the hospital was letting me use so they made sure I was using it correctly and efficiently. They helped me come up with a game plan which would help us reach our goal of exclusively breastfeeding once home.

Everyday I pumped every 3 hours, even during the night. Since I would pump while in my room away from Baby S they suggested and encouraged me to take a blanket of his to smell, watch videos of him or look at photos, all to increase my hormones to help my production. So I did. I snuck off from the NICU with a blanket Baby S was wrapped in and laid it beside me as a slept and held it close when I pumped. It was actually amazing how much it helped. I had already been pumping for a couple days before I started this and the difference it made was actually quite jaw dropping.

Our lactation consultants would visit me every other day if not everyday to check in, answer any questions, and cheer us on when I tell them how my supply has increased. Honestly, if it weren’t for them I’d be warming up a bottle right now instead of nursing Baby S in my arms as I write this.

Even the nurses in both the Mother/Baby unit and NICU would get so excited for me, and with each walk down the hallway would ask:

“How much did we get, Mama?!”

They really made me excited even though I was so tired. They are the true hype gang!!

It was all so very exciting each time I would pump more. My husband would also ask everytime he was away how much my last pump session was. I know many women struggle with supply and I was so grateful that out of our entire unexpected and whirlwind experience that we had a good outcome with breastfeeding so far.

Since Baby S required the feeding tube for the majority of his NICU stay we would still practice latching at least once a day, usually multiple times, while he would get fed through his tube. We wanted that “breast = full belly” association.

Once released from the NICU he was still getting two bottles of his “protein shake” (that’s what we called his formula bottles because they were to help his weight gain) and the rest was a three step feeding system.

He would breastfeed for 20 minutes, then my husband would give him the bottle (if it wasn’t his protein shake then it would be milk that I had previously pumped) and while he fed him I would I pump for 20 minutes.

We used a paced bottle feeding approach so Baby S wasn’t fed too much too fast and he would have to use the same sucking technique as breastfeeding to get the milk out. It helped with staying consistent and familiar with what it’s like for him at the breast. I had never heard of this technique but it worked so well for us!

A few weeks went by using this system, and let me tell you… the exhaustion is real. Awake every three hours, it took about an hour to get through the routine and then the added time of cleaning pump parts, putting milk away and eating or showering in between didn’t leave much time for sleep. We would schedule our entire day around it and couldn’t go anywhere that wouldn’t allow us to be back home within an hour later. Credit also goes to my husband because he was up with me for every session day or night!

If you’re goal is to exclusively breastfeed and you truly want it but for one reason or another you find yourself using this system and you feel like you just can’t keep up. I’m here to tell you, it’s worth it. I learned quickly that you have to set yourself up with the right mindset and motivation to work through breastfeeding challenges. Also discuss these with your support system so they can be there with you through it all. It’s definitely a team effort.

Once we switched from the 3-step feeding to feeding on demand I felt super accomplished! It was like a graduation for me and Baby S, we made it! However, just like graduating from anything else in life it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re done and know it all.

Since we were still very much learning (which actually doesn’t stop, your learning curves just change as they get older and you navigate through your continued breastfeeding journey) there were some things we were encountered with.

We didn’t get the best latch on the left side each time which lead to some pain for me. We met with our lactation consultant who evaluated our latch, technique and weight gain based on exclusively breastfed babies. She sent us home with a nipple shield. This would allow for an easier latch for Baby S and a way for my nipple to heal while still continuing to breastfeed. I would use it on both sides whenever I felt sore.

One of the best piece of advice I can give expecting moms is to get in touch with an IBCLC (International
Board Certified Lactation Consultant) before baby comes, it was one the best decisions we made and resource to have!

This worked great for us for a couple weeks, and then I had my first clogged duct. OUCH! If you know, you know. I couldn’t sleep, I could barely wear a bra, and forget hugging or carrying Baby S or anything that would come near my breast.

I called our IBCLC, she did a phone assessment and referred me to the Women’s Clinic to be seen. Once there I was given advice on how to clear the duct and back home we went. It took a couple nursing sessions, lots of massage and one really hot shower to feel normal again.

Tip: learn how to hand express! This will become a great skill to know if you breastfeed and can save you from getting clogged ducts.

Since then we’ve grown so much in our breastfeeding journey. We went from always needing a pillow and the right chair to sit in to feeding anywhere and even while walking.

My first time feeding in public was a moment I’ll never forget. We were out shopping in a mall type location. Inside one of the stores and Baby S got hungry. I wasn’t afraid to feed in public, but it caught me off guard so I was flustered. I didn’t know where to go and since the store didn’t conveniently have a recliner with foot stool and pillow I went to the next nearest place to sit…. the dressing room.

As I sat in the small space with the curtain closed I was feeding my son which, on one hand made me feel great for being able to feed him anywhere and anytime he needed but, I also felt a huge sense of shame.

“Why am I hiding?” “It’s so cramped in here.” “This doesn’t feel right”

Those were all thoughts I had while feeding him and I didn’t enjoy it. I decided then that I would NOT continue to feel this way and will not ever feel that way again. I walked out of the dressing room and sat in a stool that was in the waiting area of the dressing room.

I was sure people would stare, maybe even say something but instead everyone went about their business and I felt so proud and empowered.

Since then I have fed Baby S in the ER waiting room, the shopping center food court, at multiple restaurants, a castle courtyard, outdoors downtown, and even inside IKEA and plenty more.

We have now been breastfeeding exclusively for 4 months and I see no stopping any time soon!! My original goal of 1 year has quickly turned into however long we can. I plan to let Baby S self wean from breastfeeding when he is ready.

Mamas who feel like they can’t do it or can’t feed in public….remember, it is no one’s concern but your and your baby’s. If you want to feed in a room or in the public, with or without a cover, it’s totally up to you and what you are comfortable with.

Our success with breastfeeding is truly my saving grace. From missing out on the end of my pregnancy to a birth experience I had no control over to being separated from my baby after birth, our breastfeeding journey so far has been more than just feeding my child. It’s been therapeutic and almost redemption like. I know that no matter how my baby came to the world, I still gave birth and I’m still a Mama but some days when I look down at him while nursing it’s in that moment that I finally FEEL like a Mama.

It’s not just his nourishment and comfort, but it’s my healing too.

If you need the support or boob hype there are lots of IG and Facebook pages and groups that are so amazing and there to help you find the courage and motivation and will cheer you on when you’re feeling good! Of course I am always here too and would love to be your BF hype girl!!

Stay tuned for more about our breastfeeding journey as we navigate and reach new learning curves. Don’t forget to subscribe!