Bedsharing: How it Helped My PPPTSD & How We Transitioned

For the past 7+ months my son has been bedsharing with us. It started when my husband was gone for a 2 week TDY and I just found it easier to bring him in bed with me. It made a world of a difference and we actually both slept the night just about straight through, at least neither of us had to fully wake up to nurse or get back to sleep.

Up until that point he was sleeping in his bedside bassinet and then for a short time the crib. Once we lowered the crib it was harder to get him to bed because he would either wake as soon as I tried to move him or lay him down or I just simply couldn’t reach him into the crib without losing my balance and reach to the floor.

Bedsharing just made sense.

My husband didn’t love the idea and was nervous he would roll ontop of our son without realizing but I reassured him and found a system that worked for us.

In the beginning I could lay with him until he fell asleep and then slip away if I needed to. He couldn’t yet crawl and we had barriers setup around each side of the bed to prevent him from rolling off and the baby camera mounted where we could keep an eye on him. I was also never gone for long periods of time but the post pregnancy bladder is just as bad as during pregnancy so I would need to get up to use the bathroom at least once a night… mamas, you know what I mean!

Let me just take a moment to say there are many rules to safe bedsharing, and they are important. I am not here to tell you what they are or what you should do because ultimately it is whatever is best and whatever works for YOU and YOUR baby. In that same light, if you are here reading this and disagree with anything I say about our experience or methods I kindly ask that you just keep it to yourself and know my baby was always safe and we never had any emergencies or situations that brought cause for concern.

Once he became more mobile and began crawling we wouldn’t ever leave him in the bed alone. Most of the time I would lay with him and even take the opportunity here or there to get a nice nap in for myself. Other times if I had to leave the bed for whatever reason I would ask my husband to come in and keep an eye on him. If I was home by myself then, well… I would either lie there thinking about how much adult diapers sounded like a good idea in that moment or just try to keep distracted.

This worked for a while, especially while we visited our families in the states and didn’t have cribs to use. Then my husband started to express that he wanted our bed back for us. I was reluctant because I knew that meant my good nights of sleeping would go back to waking up during the night. It was also that I wasn’t ready for my baby to sleep by himself…. or for me to sleep without him.

I am still grieving my pregnancy and traumatic birth experience and bedsharing/contact napping has been one of the best things for me to find that connection to my son. I struggled in the beginning feeling like I was his mom. He spent two weeks in the NICU so I missed out on those initial bonding moments and it hit me hard. I also didn´t really know how to find that connection until I started contact napping and then bedsharing. Along with breastfeeding I am convinced that hand in hand they are what saved me from falling into a deep PPD and helped me to cope with my PPPTSD. I knew my husband was right though, and it was only fair to him that we begin this transition.

So we talked about it and realizing that the crib just wouldn’t be a functioning option, like I mentioned above, I had seen this video on TikTok with a clever idea of using a mattress inside of a play pen.

I went to searching and found a playpen and mattress with the perfect dimensions for each other and voila! A safe sleeping space where I can lay with our son to nurse him to sleep and I can easily sneak out once he is asleep. If he wakes we know he is in a safe space and I can climb back in with him.

Another great thing about this option is that it is a big enough space for myself and my husband to be in there with him. Undoubtedly the nights where he absolutely will not sleep alone will come, even as he is older and needs comfort through the night. This sure does beat sleeping on the floor or even trying to find a way into his crib. Also, when he is old enough and no longer needs to be confinded to the play pen we only need to move the mattress to a bedframe and we get a longer use of the mattress.

It’s been a week of Alexander sleeping in his own room. The first two nights I stayed with him the whole night, then for the next two nights I would sneak out once he was asleep and go back in to stay for the night when he would wake after a couple of hours. The past few nights I would sneak back out after going in to help him back to sleep even after the second or third time, but I stayed with him if it was already around 3am or so, to ensure a longer stretch of sleep for us both. He sleeps, in fact we both sleep, the night pretty much through with very few wakings whenever we bedshare.

I wasn’t really emotional about it the first few nights, honestly I just didn’t know what do with that “free time”. Do I clean? Do I run some laundry? Do I sit and watch TV? Or maybe I just go to bed too? I opted for cutting fabric for some sewing projects I wanted to start – it was something I could easily stop while in the midst of for whenever he would wake up.

My husband was tdy that week so it was extra quiet once he went to sleep. The next night I opted for going to bed because I was pretty exhausted.

Now we’re at over a week and the last three nights I’ve been emotional… only a few tears as I close my eyes in front of the monitor that shows my sweet baby sleeping without me.

Tonight was the first night (in a long time) that my husband tried to soothe him back to sleep but the alligator tears were just calling out for me so in I went to wipe them away and nurse him back to sleep. He undoubtedly needed me. It broke my heart as I want him to build that trust in dad as well but if he needs me I want to be there for him immediately.

In his 14 months of life there have already been so many things that have had a ‘last time’ and most of them without realizing it would be the last time. For example: the last time he would be swaddled or the last time sleeping snugged on our chests. I knew the last time of him sleeping in our bed was coming and yet at the same time I didn’t realize it. I got so caught up in getting his bed set up and then the ‘game plan’ for our new bed time routine that I didn’t slow down those last moments of him sleeping in our bed with us. I did talk to him that night about it though and told him that I would miss him, which I do. But nonetheless that moment seems forever ago and not up to par with how I’d like to hold on to my memories.

I know that may sound silly, maybe a bit absurd but it’s a big step for us. We used our mattress sheet that had been on our bed for a little bit as his mattress sheet for now so that he has a familiar and comfortable smell. Yes, it is too big but I try to remember to just retuck it everyday. I still spend the rest of every night in there with him so I am not worried about it being too loose.

I know this isn’t the end of him needing me, I’m a big believer in dependence fosters independence and he’s growing into his own independence but it is heavy on this mama’s heart.

So now I lay here peeking at him on the monitor ever couple seconds. There’s a small fear in me that one of these nights I’ll close my eyes thinking he’ll wake up in 2 hours looking for me and I’ll go in there and cuddle with him and sleep in his bed with him but instead he sleeps the whole night through and wakes me in the morning. Sure the sleep would be nice but I think I’d miss him more. Even my husband admitted to missing him in the middle of the night.

I checked the volume on the monitor probably 5 times before allowing myself to fall asleep… I couldn’t bear the thought of him crying alone in his room and me sleeping because I couldn’t hear him. The thought alone breaks me heart.

Adding here that I’m finally posting this and we are three weeks in to this transition. In that time we’ve had our hands full with my husband’s work schedule and then we both got sick with a little cold so most nights I have spent with him in his room. We’ve done lots of cuddling and napping.

I’m really trying not to rush this process because I already miss the time I’m not laying with him. There’s no need to take away the time I can still lay with him. He’s only so little for so long. Also, we are not ready to end our breastfeeding journey and milk removal at night is a big factor to maintaining supply so those nighttime nursing sessions are welcome for the time being.

I know it will take time for him to sleep longer stretches in his bed alone and that’s okay. We will practice dad comforting him and follow his lead for when he no longer needs night feeds or soothing back to sleep.

If you have already, or in the process of transitioning, how did it go/is it going for you and what were you’re strategies? Did anything specifically work well for you or not at all? How did you feel before and after? I’d love to read from you what your experience was if you’d share them in the comments below.